Sometimes I wonder if people want to be with me because of who I am, not because of what I do. It's a question that comes up every now and then, and it's something I'm still learning.
I made the decision to be an actor when I was 9, and to be a film maker when I was 21. Ever since, the work has never ended. The classes, the workshops, the networking. Non-stop. And I love doing it...
But it's been such a huge part of my life, that people sometimes forget that outside of all this, I'm still a normal person. Who likes to do normal things. Like sleep. And eat. Or just do nothing and watch bad television.
When the operation happened, that's when I was forced to see who I was outside of the films and all that good stuff. I was a human being, that bleeds and gets hurt just as much as the next person. And it was during that time I was starting to see things for what they really are. And seeing the truth is scary. Honesty is scary.
But it doesn't take a stay at the hospital to make me feel as if I'm weak. The rewards for taking risks are absolutely wonderful, but there are days (weeks, months) where you feel as if you've fallen and you don't know how to get back up again. And it's in these moments that reveal who are meant to be in our lives.
It's in these moments where people show you their true colors, and when people show you their true colors, you better believe it and make your decision then.
Because if I had lost my ability to film, who would still want me? Who would still want to be around me? I've asked myself these things during my many, many failures.
It's no wonder famous people get crazy. The minute you reach success, it's wonderful. You relish in it, and people just want to celebrate every moment with you. But people can turn on you the minute you make a mistake, or a bad movie.
I think that's why I went on this little spiritual journey of mine. To figure out who I was outside of my passion, when the production ends and the cameras aren't rolling. Who I am when I'm not escaping to create.
And I must say, the search for one's self has been incredibly revealing, and it is painful to open up old wounds that never truly healed. But for the sake of me and my art, it had to be done.
And what I've learned about myself is that in no matter what I do, I give it my all, even if it my "all" isn't a lot. However, I seem to be more active in helping others than in helping myself. I guess I had always figured that's just what someone does so that they'd never be alone.
But as soon as I fall, if I failed, I had started to realize that the number of people that helped me get back up did not even come close to the number of people I had helped.
Like I said, the truth is scary, and it hurts like hell. But now that I've seen that truth, I can't go back. Nor do I want to. I have only one life to live, and I was lucky to get a second chance to live it, and I refuse to live a life that's based on lies I wanted to believe.
I want the real thing.
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