20-Something?

Dear 20-Somethings,

I get scared sometimes.

I get scared a lot actually.

As a matter of fact, I got scared today.

I was having a day. You know... Those days where just about everything that could go wrong, went wrong. You don't need me to tell you how much those days suck. You already know, because you've had those days.

I was going to write this whole spiel about how days suck, but we should suck it up. But I noticed that there was still an unfinished draft than I had written a few days ago (That happens a lot.) :

 The Universe is funny. Here I am, writing another one of my 24 year old thoughts, simultaneously watching Inside the Actor's Studio (I like to multi-task) and I hear this quote by Jim Carrey: 

"Sometimes you have to divorce yourself from the things people want you to do."

Well played, Universe.

People give us 20-Somethings a lot of crap.

"They're wasting their youth! If I were that age..."

"When I was your age, I did this, I had this..."

"You're confused? Get over it already. Figure out what it is you want for God's sake!"

I can understand their frustration. I see kiddies riding with me on the bus, and roll my eyes at the things they find problematic.

But I forget that I was at that age too. And their problems were my problems too.

Though I must defend my generation. After all, I am a part of them. As frustrated as I can be with my own kind, I can understand why we live at such a confusing time.

We live at the age where we are always coming and going. We're expected to be one way, yet we are told to be another.

We are at the age where we are constantly trying to figure out how the world works. We're always in our head, analyzing, in a passive-aggressive world that expect us to be mind-readers.

We are expected to work a bazillion jobs + get a degree + network + survive in the outside world, and yet we are still considered lazy when we decide to stay home and rest. 

If we knew what we wanted, and did everything we could to get to that point, we're wasting life being too uptight and too selfish for thinking of no one but ourselves. If we didn't know what we wanted, we're bums. We're failures.

We are told that we are young and should have some fun, and then we are told be responsible and act like an adult. We should experience, but we have our whole lives ahead of us.

We are told that we are too young to know any better, yet we are also told that we are old enough to know better. I know. Who the hell wouldn't be confused by that?

We're constantly told to find that balance.  But how the hell can we find that balance? Especially when expectations are on opposite sides of the spectra?

Hence, this spiritual journey of mine.

I lived majority of my life based on people's high (and usually impossible) expectations. Truth be told, there are days I can't tell if I'm living up to my expectations, or those of others.

The rough days... Where I feel like life is going to slow, I'm wondering if I feel that way because I'm allowing myself to listen to other people's inputs on how life should be lived. Rather than maybe taking it as a cue from the Universe, as if it were saying "Take a break. You deserve it."

I used to hate days off. That meant no money was being made. It meant staring at the ceiling, dealing with the thoughts you didn't want to think about (Therefore keeping yourself busy with work). I could never relax. I always thought all this time resting, was time that could be spent being productive.

I used to hate solitude. There are times I still do, but I realize how essential it can be. I can sometimes equate it with loneliness, though there were many times where I was surrounded by people and yet I still felt alone.

Maybe because my mind was elsewhere. Maybe constantly having to be present was just exhausting. 

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I didn't have an ending to that piece. I'm pretty sure I was about to make a point, but like most of my blog entries, the toughest part for me is always figuring out the ending. Maybe because at the time,
I'm still trying to figure out the point of it all.

But it's amazing how my contemplative thoughts of yesterday can help cheer up my dark thoughts of today, and open the path of a better  mindset tomorrow.

But I'm guessing the point I have to make is that there comes a point in your life where you have to believe that you have all the tools you need to succeed. And you don't need to prove yourself to anyone but yourself. At the end of the day sometimes all it takes is just being your own cheerleader. Reward yourself for your attempts of the day, no matter how small. Know that sometimes baby steps can get you closer to where you need to go, than taking big leaps every day with a chance of missing the big picture.

It's ok to let yourself rest once in a while. To overwhelm yourself with constant self-improvement can lead to a self-sabotage if you constantly adjust yourself to satisfy the needs and hopes of others when it comes to your own life. That's right, YOUR LIFE.

You have to understand that there will be times that people won't understand the path you chose, or the choices you make. Sometimes even the people that you look up to will say something...not so uplifting.  But that happens. Because we're human. We're not meant to understand all the time. Don't let that derail you. Don't let that determine the rest of your journey because of one bad judgment call.

We pick ourselves up, and we move on. And you get back in the game that you chose to play. And you pat yourself on the back. Because you deserve to be recognized. Even if the recognition comes from yourself.

I need to remind myself about this every day. That the time I spent during the day was time well spent, regardless if I'm just at home resting, knowing I'm going to need that energy for the rest of the week. I know in my heart I work hard. To others, it may not seem like the case. But I can't change what people choose to see. I can only continue to do what I think is best for me.

Because even in this confusing time, I know what I want.

I just need to trust the fact that I know that I'm doing what I have to do to get it.

<3 Fiji