Cabin Fever

2nd week of recovery brought on a horrible case of cabin fever. I didn't realize how appealing (and scary) the outside was.

Staring at the ceiling should be considered some kind of torture. It's amazing how dark the mind can go when one is left with their thoughts. All the doubts, fears, and issues all come flooding at once, it's no wonder we try to keep ourselves busy to forget all about it.

There are days I questions the decisions I make. The fear rushes in, telling me that my mistakes are going to cost me my future, my dreams. That everyone was right about me. That I am not as good as I think I am, or that I don't do enough. That I am wasting my time with my silly self-discoveries.

But then again there's always that part of me that says: "Who the fuck asked them?"

I need to remember why I made these decisions about my life. Because it's MY life. Plain and simple. People can tell me that I'm no good, that I need a makeover (or need to lose weight, cut my hair, etc.), or that I need to do more with my life, but seriously...If none of these people said anything (or if I just didn't listen) I would probably be really happy with where I'm at right now.

Yes, I just had an operation that could have been fatal. For a condition I had no control of. But I'm alive, aren't I? I'm alive, and I get a second chance. To continue to do the things I said I was going to do, without anyone's input of how it should be lived.

Yes, the path I chose is harder. Yes, the life I left was more comfortable, and I really do need to start all over again, and it's not going to be a smooth ride. Things won't come as easy as they did in the past. I may have to double the effort. Yes, it's going to be lonely. And people are going to be disappointed in me. But it's not their life. It's not their journey. I have to start somewhere, and if somewhere is the bottom then so be it. I can't give up just because my path suddenly got harder. If anything, I should be excited that a new adventure has begun.

I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of looking back and wishing I had approached something another way. I'm tired of listening to others, and their opinions of me regardless of the fact that I am perfectly aware of who I am and what I need.

And what I need right now is me.